On a recent flight from Dallas, I met a woman I’ll call Susie. She took the window seat next to me and warmly asked “How are y’all doing tonight?” So began the discussion which lasted the better part of the flight home to St. Louis.

Susie’s nerves were apparent from the start; I wouldn’t have to wait long to find out the cause. She had enlisted in the Army and was headed to Fort Leonard Wood to begin basic training. “I was stuck,” the 19-year old declared before we’d even left the gate. She hadn’t been able to graduate from high school because she didn’t have a car and couldn’t get there. Without a high school degree, the only work Susie was able to get was at the local fast food joint.

All before takeoff, I knew about Susie’s “ego problem,” her need to be the best, her rebellious nature, the friends who weren’t talking to her because she’d joined the Army, her family, and more. She didn’t stop talking or figeting, all while proclaiming her excitement about the aircraft, the flight, and boot camp.
She shared so much so quickly; what did she want me to do with this information?

You might imagine that my coach training was kicking in from the start. As a woman 30 years her senior, part of me–perhaps a maternal part–was eager to share some life experiences with this strong, yet vulnerable nineteen year old. But as I leaned into the moment, it was apparent that Susie was not in a frame of mind to hear anything. I realized that Susie needed something else from me. What was it?

As I listened to the totality of Susie’s communication–the content and tone of her speech, her body language, her energy–it all expressed one need. As she flew away from the only home she’d ever known and on to the next chapter in her life, Susie needed me to listen to her.

Susie was starting a new chapter in her life, one that both excited her and frightened her and she needed to talk about it and be heard. It was my role during that flight to listen deeply to what she was saying and to communicate to her that she was being heard. It was my pleasure to do so.

Rebecca Shafir, author of The Zen of Listening, defines listening as “the willingness to see a situation through the eyes of the speaker.” During that flight, I attempted to appreciate how it might feel to have the courage to sign a 4 year contract for service–to anyone, for anything. I tried to appreciate how it might feel leaving everything and everyone you know in one state and travel to another state to start a new life–and to do that all by yourself at nineteen years of age. I attempted to appreciate how it might feel to be entering the Army at a time of war.

More often than we realize, what a loved one, co-worker, or stranger needs most is for us to listen deeply to them. When deep listening takes place, both speaker and listener are often transformed. As Sue Patton Thoele says, “Deep listening is miraculous for both listener and speaker. When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand.” Susie: I thank you for expanding my spirit and salute you for serving our country.

January 8, 2010

Many of us are feeling out of balance these days. There are many stressors in our environment; some of these stressors are new and some of them have been there so long we no longer recognize them as stressors. When we feel our car out of alignment, we know what to do; we bring the car to our mechanic. But what do we do for ourselves?

The first step is a diagnostic one. Where are you out of balance? Is it that you’re not fulfilled by work? Or is it that you’re overwhelmed by family responsibilities? When was the last time you engaged in self-care or self-renewal? 

One diagnostic tool I find helpful is the wheel of life. The wheel of life is a simple tool consisting of a circle divided into segments, each representing the key areas of your life. To create one is as simple as drawing a circle and dividing it into parts (six and eight are most common). You then label each as one of the core parts of your life. These parts will vary for each person. Examples include:

• health;
• relationships (together or divided into intimate relationships and friends and family);
• finances;
• self-renewal;
• work;
• personal growth; and
• spirituality.

Of course, you can come up with other categories that fit your life.

On a scale (usually of 0-5 or 0-10), you grade where your life is in that segment. What you ask yourself on the wheel of life is up to you, but it’s usually one of two questions: 1) How much attention am I giving to that part of my life? and 2) How fulfilled do I currently feel in that area of my life? Again, you can generate another question of your own design!

A completed wheel of life is a rather stark visual representation of your life. It will demonstrate–in black, white or color (your choice!)–the areas of your life that are being attended to (or not) or in which you are feeling fulfilled (or not). The goal–at least for most of us!–is to move towards a wheel that is balanced, so that life’s ride is as smooth as possible. That doesn’t mean, however, that you need to get the same score in each category. For example, at any point in time a certain area of your life may demand or you may want to give a certain area of your life more attention; that is your choice. If you do that, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re out of balance. In order to make a judgment about that, I recommend that you do a comparison of what you’d like your ideal score to be vs. what your actual score is at this moment in time.

There are many wheel of life templates which can be found online, though one of my favorites is that of MindTools. It can be found online and with instructions. Whether you use a version found online or make one yourself is less the point than simply doing the wheel of life diagnostic check! It’s a quick and easy way to check in with yourself and then point you in the right direction to make the readjustments necessary to bring your life back into balance. I hope you’ll give it a spin! When you do, let me know how it worked for you.

Suggested Action Items

1. Find someplace quiet. Close your eyes for a few minutes to reflect on your life. When you’re ready, climb into the basket of a hot air balloon and take a virtual ride. As you float in the air over your life, what do you see? What do your days and nights look like? Where’s the activity? Where’s the stress? Where’s the joy? Does what you see align with what you’d like your life to look like? When you’re ready, gently float back down for a safe landing.
2. If you’re creative, create your own wheel of life. Identify the categories. Decorate them in any way you’d like to reflect how you feel about either the attention this segement of your life is getting or how much fulfillment it’s providing you. If you’d rather, go to MindTools and fill out their wheel of life online.
3. Reflect on the results of your wheel of life. What are the changes that need to be made to bring you into balance? In what segment(s) of your life? What daily adjustment(s) can you make in order to achieve the realignment you seek?  Even identifying one thing you’ll do each day to correct your course and achieve more/better balance can be life transforming.  

p.s. The above image is of a Tibetan Buddhist wheel of life. At the center of this wheel are the three root poisons of desire, hatred, and ignorance.

Image: Srid pa’i khor lo (Wheel of Life).
Painting on cloth, twentieth century.
Tibetan Collection,
Asian Division (109)

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