On a recent flight from Dallas, I met a woman I’ll call Susie. She took the window seat next to me and warmly asked “How are y’all doing tonight?” So began the discussion which lasted the better part of the flight home to St. Louis.

Susie’s nerves were apparent from the start; I wouldn’t have to wait long to find out the cause. She had enlisted in the Army and was headed to Fort Leonard Wood to begin basic training. “I was stuck,” the 19-year old declared before we’d even left the gate. She hadn’t been able to graduate from high school because she didn’t have a car and couldn’t get there. Without a high school degree, the only work Susie was able to get was at the local fast food joint.

All before takeoff, I knew about Susie’s “ego problem,” her need to be the best, her rebellious nature, the friends who weren’t talking to her because she’d joined the Army, her family, and more. She didn’t stop talking or figeting, all while proclaiming her excitement about the aircraft, the flight, and boot camp.
She shared so much so quickly; what did she want me to do with this information?

You might imagine that my coach training was kicking in from the start. As a woman 30 years her senior, part of me–perhaps a maternal part–was eager to share some life experiences with this strong, yet vulnerable nineteen year old. But as I leaned into the moment, it was apparent that Susie was not in a frame of mind to hear anything. I realized that Susie needed something else from me. What was it?

As I listened to the totality of Susie’s communication–the content and tone of her speech, her body language, her energy–it all expressed one need. As she flew away from the only home she’d ever known and on to the next chapter in her life, Susie needed me to listen to her.

Susie was starting a new chapter in her life, one that both excited her and frightened her and she needed to talk about it and be heard. It was my role during that flight to listen deeply to what she was saying and to communicate to her that she was being heard. It was my pleasure to do so.

Rebecca Shafir, author of The Zen of Listening, defines listening as “the willingness to see a situation through the eyes of the speaker.” During that flight, I attempted to appreciate how it might feel to have the courage to sign a 4 year contract for service–to anyone, for anything. I tried to appreciate how it might feel leaving everything and everyone you know in one state and travel to another state to start a new life–and to do that all by yourself at nineteen years of age. I attempted to appreciate how it might feel to be entering the Army at a time of war.

More often than we realize, what a loved one, co-worker, or stranger needs most is for us to listen deeply to them. When deep listening takes place, both speaker and listener are often transformed. As Sue Patton Thoele says, “Deep listening is miraculous for both listener and speaker. When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand.” Susie: I thank you for expanding my spirit and salute you for serving our country.

January 8, 2010

There are times in our lives when it is necessary to get off the path, take a retreat, and spend a period in reflection about where to go next in our lives. When I last engaged in this process, it took me to the one of the most spectacularly beautiful places in America: Sedona, Arizona. While there, I spent five days alone in contemplation about my life, its purpose, and the work which might best give it meaning and fulfillment. 

During this time, I spent as much time as possible in the gorgeous natural surrounding that is Sedona. Sedona is located in Arizona’s high desert under the southwestern rim of the vast Colorado Plateau. It is most famous for its massize red-rock formations, as well as the Oak Creek Canyon that winds through the area for miles and miles. Sedona also boasts hundreds of hiking trails which take you on wonderful journeys along sun-lit monoliths with hues of reds and oranges you’ve never before seen and will not soon forget. 

As I traveled these winding, desert paths, I saw natural sights that reminded me of life’s possibilities. I saw beautiful, colorful flowers growing from what looked only like arrid dirt to me. I saw other flowers thriving out of piles of stones, without the appearance of either soil or water. I saw a tree growing out from two rocks and stretching up to the sun. I saw another tree nearly entirely bent over from the force of the wind, yet alive and well nonetheless. Despite the harsh elements of the high desert, each of these plants and trees was, miraculously enough, growing rather than dying. They were in a growing season.

Each of these observations reminded me not only of what nature could do, but of what humanity could endure and accomplish under the most unusual and trying circumstances. 

As a country, we are certainly experiencing a most unusual circumstance. For many, it is also an enormously trying circumstance. Despite being a both unusual and trying season, it must also be a growing season for us all. A season where we commit to using whatever soil we find ourselves in and fighting whatever wind prevails and doing what is best for ourselves and those who count on us.

March 20th is the first day of spring this year. The daffodils in my front yard know the season, as the plants are already out of the ground and the blossoms are soon to follow. The trees know it too, for they have sprouted their buds and are tightly protecting them until warmer weather enables their blossoming. My hope for each of you is that you’re also stirring inside and looking within and without for ways to grow.  

Suggested Action Items

1. Spend some time reflecting on whether you currently are in a time of growth. Are you  simply busy or are you actually growing in the ways you’d like to be? Understand the difference between activity and personal or professional growth.

2. If you’ve identified that you’re “tight in a bud,” reflect on whether you are ready to blossom. What would that flower look like? What would you be doing? How would that feel? What would it be worth to achieve that goal?

n.b. Photographs on this post are original and may not be used without my express permission.

This past summer, Cindy McCain received a lot of press when she was injured by an apparent fan who shook her hand a bit too vigorously. The result was a sprain, putting Ms. McCain in a cast and sling and subjecting her to the ridicule of the press for being fragile. At the time, I confess to not giving the incident much thought. But in the past few weeks, as I’ve done more and more networking for my new business, I’ve developed some new thinking on the matter.

For some time, women have been encouraged to have firm handshakes. No one likes a dead fish; they need not apply. We knew that if someone had a firm hand shake it meant they were confident, assertive, and could make it in the dog-eat-dog world of, well, anything. Over time, every woman in business mastered the art of the firm handshake. She’s been extending that hand into circles of people for years to make her strong first impression.

What I’ve noticed of late, however, is that there’s a new trend among women in the business world. It seems that bone crunching handshakes are on the rise. I’m talking about the kind of handshake that might make Arnold’s knees buckle. The kind of handshake that makes one worry that she might end up in a sling just like Cindy McCain.

I have reduced my problems with these handshakes down to three points: 1) They hurt; 2) The fact that someone can perform them doesn’t impress me in any way that is helpful to them; and 3) They take my mind off the person I’m meeting and what they’re saying. In all these respects, these handshakes don’t achieve the presumed goals of the person shaking my hand.

You have no time at all to make a first impression. If you want to spend that precious time inflicting pain on the person you’re greeting, that’s your choice; however, for those of you out there who have taken up this practice, allow me to suggest another approach for making a strong first impression. 

Sure, shake the other person’s hand firmly (practice moderating your strength if “firm” is at all unclear),  but do so while making intentional, eye-to-eye contact that you hold for a second longer than you might otherwise. For those few seconds, be fully in that moment with that person and no one else. What will make you stand out from the crowd is how you make and hold that connection in the eyes of the person you’re greeting, and the extra second you do. This is–hands down!–the most important element of making a first impression, not the extra pressure you apply to their hand. Give it a try!

“The eye is the jewel of the body.” – Henry David Thoreau

Certainly the last year has brought many of us taxing and turbulent times. In the past year alone more of the people in my life have lost their jobs than in all my previous years combined. The fortunate ones are the ones with homes, though some feel imprisoned in a home they can’t sell.  It seems that everyone is taking a hard look at what they have, what they value, and how they spend their resources. And it strikes me that this is one of the genuine advantages of the season we’re in–and by that I mean the economic season.   

As I visited with friends over the holidays, I noticed several differences from past holidays. Sure, people had spent less, but there was more to it than that. People were more open about discussing what they have and need, and seemed to be more comfortable than before with asking for help. I sense a rise in the collective sense of community; it seems that people recognize that if we band together–neighbors and business communities alike–we’ll all be better off.

Secondly, people have been more mindful and resourceful about how they’ve spent the money they have. No more trips to the mall to just buy whatever. It seems that everyone is being more creative with the dollar and that many are enjoying it. Because who doesn’t like receiving–if not making–a homemade gift? 

One friend recently told me about a shopping spree at her local second-hand shop. She found a giant stuffed crocodile (a perfect reminder of her recent trip to Australia!) and a wonderful, hand-carved horse barn for her two grandchildren. Her rewards? 1. She was proud of herself for saving over $125 on the shopping spree. 2. She did an environmental good deed. 3. She experienced indescribable joy upon seeing one grandchild dive onto the crocodile as it was revealed! Now that’s a gift-giving trifecta in any season!

Suggested Action Items

1. Have you been impacted by the changes in the economy? Try to identify at least five ways in which your personal or professional life has been positively impacted by the economic changes.
2. Reflect on the gift-giving trifecta story and plan one of your own. (Unless you’ve recently done one, then pat yourself on the back!) Be creative and remember: there’s no need to wait for a special occasion!
3. Identify something you need. Perhaps something that is more difficult for you because of a change in your finances. (e.g. help retooling your CV; need to borrow something because can’t afford to buy it; help creating a budget or doing your taxes) Reach out and ask for the help you need! Ask a friend, family member, neighbor, church member, or me. 

Each night in my community’s only soup kitchen, 50-100 homeless men and women are served a hot meal. The people who serve them are volunteers from local churches. Last night I participated for the first time. I didn’t know what to expect. When the evening started, I considered myself someone incredibly grateful for her blessings. Imagine my suprise to receive, from these strangers, the gift of an improved attitude on gratitude. 

People lined up inside and out for what was perhaps their only meal of the day. Though the main course was home cooked by several of the volunteers, even they would admit that the meal was nothing fancy. But despite the meal’s simplicity, something extraordinary happened last night.

Over and over again I heard expressions of gratitude. Gratitude for the food and gratitude for the volunteers. Gratitude for the warmer weather and gratitude for the trees. And even gratitude for the town which had no home for them. In nearly two hours of being with people who have so few resources, I heard not a single complaint. ”It was a good day; better than most,”  said one man.

I couldn’t help but think of the complaints I had uttered that day. I recalled a conversation earlier in the day when a friend and I complained about our stock market losses from the economy. What did I have to complain about, I now wondered? I realized I had volunteered just in time for a unique lesson on gratitude. Thanks to the men and women I met last night, I will carry into the holiday season and beyond a new gratitude for just how truly and richly blessed I am and a nobler way to demonstrate it.

Suggestion Action Items:

Research has shown that people who complain less are more positive and that being more positive has a long list of benefits including:

• They live longer
• They’re healthier
• They have more friends and better social lives
• They enjoy life more
• They’re more successful at work 

Sounds good, right? So here are a few ideas on how to get started turning things around!

1. Take stock of the items you’ve recently been complaining about at work and/or home. How much of your complaining was complaining for the sake of complaining versus complaining about matters you really desire to change? Discard the list of unproductive complaining. Move on to the next bullet to address action items for the other list.
2. With regard to the actions you desire to change, are you complaining and then taking action? Or does your action stop with the complaining? Try to identify one item today that you’re complaining about that you desire to change.  Take one small step towards changing it.
3. Nurture Gratitude: Start and maintain a daily gratitude journal. Each day record 3-5 things (no item is too small!) for which you are grateful.
4. Give Gratitude: William Arthur Ward said “Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” In the next week, identify one way to make the day of someone for whom you are grateful.

I recently went to a business event where one of the sponsors was a dentist. As a result of his sponsorship, each attendee received a neatly wrapped toothbrush. With toothbrush in hand, I headed off to my printer to pick up an order.

Once at my printer’s, I asked myself whether he might like a new toothbrush. Having recently purchased an electric toothbrush which has changed my dental life, I had no need. Not knowing him that well, I wondered how odd it might sound to ask a relative stranger if he needed a new toothbrush. I pushed aside that fear and decided “what the heck?”

“Sure, I’d love the toothbrush,” Brian said. “But let me tell you what I’m going to do with it.” As it turned out, Brian was a volunteer with the Boy Scouts and he and the boys were in the process of putting together shoe boxes for children abroad. It gets better, though. Brian was on his last shoebox, which had to be filled that night. It was missing only one item: a toothbrush.

I left the print shop not just happy with the ending, but thrilled that I had trusted my intuition. I had dared to offer the uncommon gift of a toothbrush and to the recipient, it turned out to be the perfect gift.

Are you trusting your intuition as much as you’d like? Are you gifting–and by that I mean giving–to others in the ways that make their day and fill your soul?