On a recent flight from Dallas, I met a woman I’ll call Susie. She took the window seat next to me and warmly asked “How are y’all doing tonight?” So began the discussion which lasted the better part of the flight home to St. Louis.

Susie’s nerves were apparent from the start; I wouldn’t have to wait long to find out the cause. She had enlisted in the Army and was headed to Fort Leonard Wood to begin basic training. “I was stuck,” the 19-year old declared before we’d even left the gate. She hadn’t been able to graduate from high school because she didn’t have a car and couldn’t get there. Without a high school degree, the only work Susie was able to get was at the local fast food joint.

All before takeoff, I knew about Susie’s “ego problem,” her need to be the best, her rebellious nature, the friends who weren’t talking to her because she’d joined the Army, her family, and more. She didn’t stop talking or figeting, all while proclaiming her excitement about the aircraft, the flight, and boot camp.
She shared so much so quickly; what did she want me to do with this information?

You might imagine that my coach training was kicking in from the start. As a woman 30 years her senior, part of me–perhaps a maternal part–was eager to share some life experiences with this strong, yet vulnerable nineteen year old. But as I leaned into the moment, it was apparent that Susie was not in a frame of mind to hear anything. I realized that Susie needed something else from me. What was it?

As I listened to the totality of Susie’s communication–the content and tone of her speech, her body language, her energy–it all expressed one need. As she flew away from the only home she’d ever known and on to the next chapter in her life, Susie needed me to listen to her.

Susie was starting a new chapter in her life, one that both excited her and frightened her and she needed to talk about it and be heard. It was my role during that flight to listen deeply to what she was saying and to communicate to her that she was being heard. It was my pleasure to do so.

Rebecca Shafir, author of The Zen of Listening, defines listening as “the willingness to see a situation through the eyes of the speaker.” During that flight, I attempted to appreciate how it might feel to have the courage to sign a 4 year contract for service–to anyone, for anything. I tried to appreciate how it might feel leaving everything and everyone you know in one state and travel to another state to start a new life–and to do that all by yourself at nineteen years of age. I attempted to appreciate how it might feel to be entering the Army at a time of war.

More often than we realize, what a loved one, co-worker, or stranger needs most is for us to listen deeply to them. When deep listening takes place, both speaker and listener are often transformed. As Sue Patton Thoele says, “Deep listening is miraculous for both listener and speaker. When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand.” Susie: I thank you for expanding my spirit and salute you for serving our country.

January 8, 2010

Employers in nearly every industry have cut payrolls. As of the end of 2009, a whopping 11.1 million Americans were reported to be unemployed. The situation for the past 18+ months has been as bleak as many of us have ever seen. You’d think it would add up to everyone deferring consideration of a career change, right? But that’s not the case.

According to recent data from the Center for Work-Life Policy, lots of folks are considering voluntary career changes and women are doing it at more than twice the pace of men. The Center’s data shows that twice as many women in top jobs (54%) as men (22%) are contemplating voluntarily leaving their positions. The Center’s data show that the majority of these women are leaving in order to recalibrate goals and shift to other sectors.

It seems that in this recession women in particular are taking a long hard look at what they value most and what they’re willing to endure in the workplace for a paycheck. Does a high salary offset a workplace with high time commitments, high stress, and low morale? It seems that many are answering that question “no” after years of being unable to create and/or sustain a satisfying work/life balance.

Study after study shows that women in particular want not only to be paid a fair wage, but also to do work that is meaningful to them; when this is missing, the money often doesn’t matter to them. According to Center for Work-Life Policy data, among women who are considering leaving jobs in the financial sector, a shift to the nonprofit sector is high on the wish list of many.

Life is short to be sure and we spend a lot of time at work. (As of 2007, the average American spent 8.7 hours a day working according to the Bureau of Labor and Statistics.) If your work is not aligned with your core values or isn’t making you happy, the situation simply isn’t sustainable in this economy or any other. Figuring out what you value most and pursuing it is time well spent; it can yield a lifetime of purpose and meaning. And, regardless of the state of the economy, if you set your intention to it, it is well within your power to create a worklife that provides you meaning and satisfaction.  

So as you think about your future, I leave you with the question I pondered in 2008 as I was contemplating whether to start this business. At that time, the recession was just heating up and no one in their right mind would have started a new business. At that time, the question that kept coming up for me was this: “If not now, when?” Can you answer that one?  If now is not the time to infuse your worklife with more meaning, when?

P.S. I have no regret. My work is filled with meaning and purpose. I have more work/life balance than ever before.

January 6, 2010

It’s that time of year. Everywhere you turn, people are talking about what they’re resolving to do differently in the new year. It’s a new year and new goals are in order for all aspects of your life, right? Well, not to so fast, I say. Ninety-four percent of people who make new year’s resolutions don’t end up achieving them. It’s because goal-setting is serious business and goal implementation is even more serious.

So how might you maximize your chances of achieving your new year’s resolutions? A healthy dose of realism and some specific, well-proven strategies will help you avoid being a new year’s statistic. Here are ten of my top tips to get you started and keep you on track towards success:

1.  Start with only one personal and one professional resolution/goal. Choose each wisely after scanning all the areas of your life and then prioritizing. Make sure each goal is your own (and not a goal someone else has for you) and is aligned with your core personal values.  

2. State each resolution/goal in concrete, positive, motivating language. State each goal as though you’ve already achieved it. (”I am physically fit; my healthy body enables me to perform at my best in business and have an active, adventurous personal life.”)

3. Identify the reasons for each resolution/goal. Once you’ve identified each resolution or goal for 2010, list at least 10 reasons why you want to reach each of these goals. Then ask yourself: Do these reasons seem like compelling reasons? Will these reasons provide me the strong motivation I’ll need to achieve my goal? Compelling reasons (and, might I add, a reward/incentive system!) significantly increase one’s likelihood of achieving a goal. Post the reasons in a place where you’ll be able to review them regularly.

4. With every action or decision, ask yourself one question: Is this going to bring me closer or further away from my goal? My personal goal is to be more physically fit. Which action will bring me closer to my goal: running on my treadmill or laying around in my pajamas all day? When I ask that question, there’s no ambiguity about what my decision should be if I’m serious about achieving my goal. Try it! Of course, if you make a decision that brings you further away from your goal, ask yourself how much you really want to achieve the goal. Review the list of 10 reasons for renewed motivation.  

5. Create a plan for each goal and allocate sufficient resources (time, energy, money) to the implementation of the plan. Most change initiatives fail at the implementation state. Create a step-by-step plan with manageable actions you can take to achieve your goal. One step at a time. Make sure it’s logical to you.

6. Visualize yourself achieving your goal. Close your eyes and try to imagine yourself achieving your goal. As I reflect on achieving my goal, I think about questions such as: What would I look and feel like if I were more physically fit? How would I feel in a stronger, healthier body? How might I feel if others noticed a change in my body and commented? How would it feel to have more energy? Utilize this visualization exercise in the beginning and thoughout the process as necessary to sustain your motivation.

7. Don’t go it alone. Share your goal with others. This serves both to create a support system for you and to create pressure on you to achieve your goal (or risk losing face). Find someone who is working on the same or similar goal who will be your accountability partner, pushing you when necessary along the way. Alternatively, create an accountability group. Social networking sites are great ways to find friends and others in your geographic area who are working on the same goal as you.

8. Use images that inspire you. Surround yourself with images that remind you of your achievement of each goal. Perhaps it’s a picture of the reward you’ll provide yourself when you achieve your goal. Or perhaps you might post an image of someone with the focus and commitment to success you seek to emulate. Alternatively, you might post an image of someone who’s already achieved your goal against far greater odds than you might be facing.

9. Reward yourself. Whether you’ve set your goal for a short-term period (i.e. 90 days) or longer, you deserve a reward. And studies show that rewards do work to keep people motivated and moving towards their goals. Some folks incentivize the goal-setting process with betting. They bet their friend (or a third party company) that they will achieve their goal, with cash or a donation to an anticharity on the line. This too, studies show, works to keep people on track. Figure out what most will motivate you across your finish line and set it as your reward. If your goal is longer term, provide yourself rewards along the way.

10. Be patient with yourself. Don’t give up. Achieving your goal, no matter what it is, will take focus and commitment. But if you’ve selected wisely, you’ve set goals around the most important changes you’d like to make in your life and work in 2010. And certainly those are worth making happen!

January 2, 2010

Many of us are feeling out of balance these days. There are many stressors in our environment; some of these stressors are new and some of them have been there so long we no longer recognize them as stressors. When we feel our car out of alignment, we know what to do; we bring the car to our mechanic. But what do we do for ourselves?

The first step is a diagnostic one. Where are you out of balance? Is it that you’re not fulfilled by work? Or is it that you’re overwhelmed by family responsibilities? When was the last time you engaged in self-care or self-renewal? 

One diagnostic tool I find helpful is the wheel of life. The wheel of life is a simple tool consisting of a circle divided into segments, each representing the key areas of your life. To create one is as simple as drawing a circle and dividing it into parts (six and eight are most common). You then label each as one of the core parts of your life. These parts will vary for each person. Examples include:

• health;
• relationships (together or divided into intimate relationships and friends and family);
• finances;
• self-renewal;
• work;
• personal growth; and
• spirituality.

Of course, you can come up with other categories that fit your life.

On a scale (usually of 0-5 or 0-10), you grade where your life is in that segment. What you ask yourself on the wheel of life is up to you, but it’s usually one of two questions: 1) How much attention am I giving to that part of my life? and 2) How fulfilled do I currently feel in that area of my life? Again, you can generate another question of your own design!

A completed wheel of life is a rather stark visual representation of your life. It will demonstrate–in black, white or color (your choice!)–the areas of your life that are being attended to (or not) or in which you are feeling fulfilled (or not). The goal–at least for most of us!–is to move towards a wheel that is balanced, so that life’s ride is as smooth as possible. That doesn’t mean, however, that you need to get the same score in each category. For example, at any point in time a certain area of your life may demand or you may want to give a certain area of your life more attention; that is your choice. If you do that, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re out of balance. In order to make a judgment about that, I recommend that you do a comparison of what you’d like your ideal score to be vs. what your actual score is at this moment in time.

There are many wheel of life templates which can be found online, though one of my favorites is that of MindTools. It can be found online and with instructions. Whether you use a version found online or make one yourself is less the point than simply doing the wheel of life diagnostic check! It’s a quick and easy way to check in with yourself and then point you in the right direction to make the readjustments necessary to bring your life back into balance. I hope you’ll give it a spin! When you do, let me know how it worked for you.

Suggested Action Items

1. Find someplace quiet. Close your eyes for a few minutes to reflect on your life. When you’re ready, climb into the basket of a hot air balloon and take a virtual ride. As you float in the air over your life, what do you see? What do your days and nights look like? Where’s the activity? Where’s the stress? Where’s the joy? Does what you see align with what you’d like your life to look like? When you’re ready, gently float back down for a safe landing.
2. If you’re creative, create your own wheel of life. Identify the categories. Decorate them in any way you’d like to reflect how you feel about either the attention this segement of your life is getting or how much fulfillment it’s providing you. If you’d rather, go to MindTools and fill out their wheel of life online.
3. Reflect on the results of your wheel of life. What are the changes that need to be made to bring you into balance? In what segment(s) of your life? What daily adjustment(s) can you make in order to achieve the realignment you seek?  Even identifying one thing you’ll do each day to correct your course and achieve more/better balance can be life transforming.  

p.s. The above image is of a Tibetan Buddhist wheel of life. At the center of this wheel are the three root poisons of desire, hatred, and ignorance.

Image: Srid pa’i khor lo (Wheel of Life).
Painting on cloth, twentieth century.
Tibetan Collection,
Asian Division (109)

Enjoy New Chapter Coaching’s spring newsletter!

At the close of coaching sessions, I ask clients what they would like to be held accountable for in the coming week. In response, they list those actions they commit to taking before we meet again that will advance them towards their end goal. They set the deadline and they reconfirm that they would like me to hold them accountable.  Though I play an active role in this process, the decisions about accountabiity ultimately rest with the client. This element of coaching–called accountability–is one of the most powerful aspects of the coaching process.

Some clients elect to take on significant responsibility and others less, but each client takes responsibility for doing something before we meet again.  Some clients outline what they will allow me to hold them accountable for out of a sense of obligation to the process and me. Afterall, they’ve signed a coaching agreement which states that they will make a good faith effort to continually work towards the achievement of their goals. Others ask me to hold them accountable because they wish, as Mirriam-Webster puts it “to accept responsibility for [their] actions.” Individuals who begin by acting out of a sense of obligation often transition to acting for themselves–not for me, or out of guilt or duty–after they begin to see the results from their own work.

I sometimes compare the accountability element of coaching to WeightWatchers meetings.  People around the world attend weekly WeightWatchers meetings at which they “weigh in.” These institutionalized check-ins enable people to accomplish goals–both small and life-changing–they haven’t been able to accomplish on their own. Though competition in the weight loss industry is fierce and changes have been plentiful, WeightWatchers continues to offer these weekly meetings. The formula and company have been an overwhelming success for 46 years.

When clients say to me that they will do something, they know that I expect them to do it or to be able to explain the obstacles they encountered in trying to do so. They know that I will support them with resources and, as appropriate, check in on them during the week. I’ll make myself available for a brief “power call” to get them through a tough spot and moving forwards to action. But in the end, I can’t and won’t do the work that is theirs to do. To do so would undermine the entire coaching process.

More often than not, the element of accountability creates action where there was inaction. Like the process of the WeightWatchers “weigh in,” accountability works in coaching because it provides individuals with an opportunity not only to make progress, but also to show it off. In sharing the week’s progress with me, their coach, clients get immediate feedback about their work. This sharing enhances the clients’ ability to see and feel the genuine progress they’re making and more progress that is possible; this makes visible what was invisible and, in doing so, brings forth transformation.

There are times in our lives when it is necessary to get off the path, take a retreat, and spend a period in reflection about where to go next in our lives. When I last engaged in this process, it took me to the one of the most spectacularly beautiful places in America: Sedona, Arizona. While there, I spent five days alone in contemplation about my life, its purpose, and the work which might best give it meaning and fulfillment. 

During this time, I spent as much time as possible in the gorgeous natural surrounding that is Sedona. Sedona is located in Arizona’s high desert under the southwestern rim of the vast Colorado Plateau. It is most famous for its massize red-rock formations, as well as the Oak Creek Canyon that winds through the area for miles and miles. Sedona also boasts hundreds of hiking trails which take you on wonderful journeys along sun-lit monoliths with hues of reds and oranges you’ve never before seen and will not soon forget. 

As I traveled these winding, desert paths, I saw natural sights that reminded me of life’s possibilities. I saw beautiful, colorful flowers growing from what looked only like arrid dirt to me. I saw other flowers thriving out of piles of stones, without the appearance of either soil or water. I saw a tree growing out from two rocks and stretching up to the sun. I saw another tree nearly entirely bent over from the force of the wind, yet alive and well nonetheless. Despite the harsh elements of the high desert, each of these plants and trees was, miraculously enough, growing rather than dying. They were in a growing season.

Each of these observations reminded me not only of what nature could do, but of what humanity could endure and accomplish under the most unusual and trying circumstances. 

As a country, we are certainly experiencing a most unusual circumstance. For many, it is also an enormously trying circumstance. Despite being a both unusual and trying season, it must also be a growing season for us all. A season where we commit to using whatever soil we find ourselves in and fighting whatever wind prevails and doing what is best for ourselves and those who count on us.

March 20th is the first day of spring this year. The daffodils in my front yard know the season, as the plants are already out of the ground and the blossoms are soon to follow. The trees know it too, for they have sprouted their buds and are tightly protecting them until warmer weather enables their blossoming. My hope for each of you is that you’re also stirring inside and looking within and without for ways to grow.  

Suggested Action Items

1. Spend some time reflecting on whether you currently are in a time of growth. Are you  simply busy or are you actually growing in the ways you’d like to be? Understand the difference between activity and personal or professional growth.

2. If you’ve identified that you’re “tight in a bud,” reflect on whether you are ready to blossom. What would that flower look like? What would you be doing? How would that feel? What would it be worth to achieve that goal?

n.b. Photographs on this post are original and may not be used without my express permission.

Every career coach and counselor will tell you that if you’re unemployed the key to getting back in the workforce is networking. But that begs the question. How do you network well? And what tools are the best?

These days you hear a lot about the use of social networking in the career development field. For strictly professional use, LinkedIn is no. 1. The size of its network expands daily as the unemployment rate rises. People post their photo, credentials and testimonials on their profile and search for others with whom to make a connection.

With over 175 million users, Facebook is also a tool utilized by those searching for a job. It enables you to easily and quickly build a network of long lost high school and college friends, as well as current day friends and family members who you can then keep informed about your employment status. With one posted note, you can tell your entire network that you’re unemployed, what kind of work you’re looking for and where, and how they might be of help to you. With this action, you can create a team of people expanded out across your geographic area helping you track down good leads for an interview or job. It’s as valuable as your friends are dedicated to helping you.

But here’s my concern. As the obsession with the new fangled social networking grows–as well as with text messaging and twittering–the use of the old-fashioned social networking tools seems to wane. If you’re looking for a job, you can’t twitter your way there. Facebook and LinkedIn are good resources and I recommend their use, but they are no substitute for a good old-fashioned phone call.  

Email is impersonal. It is safe. It is one way communication; it is not a dialogue. It tells the other person little or nothing about you and fails to give you an opportunity to distinguish yourself. When you email someone, all they do is read one more email in perhaps hundreds they’ve received that day. They don’t hear your voice and tone as they read the words.

On the other hand, when you call them, you give yourself a viable opportunity to make a personal connection with them. When you call, the other person hears the passion, sincerity, and eagerness in your voice.  Maybe you make them laugh.  Maybe in the course of the call you discover a common interest you share. These few seconds or minutes are priceless when you’re trying to make connections that might result in gainful employment. These opportunities must not be passed off to email.

Suggested Action Items

(n.b. As you explore these suggestions, try to connect with people via phone and in person, rather than via email, etc.)

• Identify your current network; the friends, family, and others who you are prepared to tell of your unemployment and whose help you are willing to enlist in your effort to regain employment. 1. Explore how you can expand this network. 2. Share with each member of your network what you’re looking for, where, and specifically what help you’d like from them. (e.g. Generate testimonial for LinkedIn; arrange a meeting with someone they know; keep an eye out for a particular kind of position) Some individuals on your list will warrant receiving this information in person, others via phone, and, if the list is large, you may need to resort to email for some. (Where a member of your network is also, for example, a well known member of the community, you might seek to meet the person for a coffee to discuss your needs.) I recommend the list be tiered according to how likely the person is going to be willing and able to help you with your search.  
• Expand your network by increasing your visibility. See Been Laid Off? Rebound With Networking.
• Have fun! Find something you like to do and get out and do it with other people. Create opportunities for your “true self” to shine where others can see you, even if these aren’t professional settings. In this way, you will connect with people who will become new members of your network, even if they can’t attest to your work.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity -
An optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty

~ Winston Churchill

So many of us are being tested these days. Hiring freezes. Layoffs. Careers interrupted. Salary reductions. Big belt tightening. Double income families down to single income. Plans changed. Stress. 

With all that’s going on today, it’s easy to have a negative, pessimistic, or fatalistic attitude. It’s easy to think that you just can’t get ahead until the economy turns around. Or until the hiring freeze lifts. Or until your husband gets a new job. Or…. The fact of the matter is that you can start moving forward with your life as soon as you determine to do so. And that’s regardless of the state of the economy. I don’t care what the stock market says or how high the unemployment rate is: if you set your intention on a particular goal, you will achieve it.

That’s because everything you do starts with your state of mind. Your greatest asset is your attitude, if it’s positive, that is. Positive thinking can even make you healthier, according to the Mayo Clinic. The health benefits that positive thinking may provide include:

• Decreased negative stress
• Greater resistance to catching the common cold
• A sense of well-being and improved health
• Reduced risk of coronary artery disease
• Easier breathing if you have certain lung diseases, such as emphysema
• Improved coping ability for women with high-risk pregnancies
• Better coping skills during hardships

No one understood the power of positive thinking better than Christopher Reeve. He lived it. But we aren’t all models for the example of how Mr. Reeve lived his life. The majority of us wrestle with negative self-talk that sabotages our advancement and growth.

Below is a chart from the Mayo Clinic with (on the left) common negative self-talk and how you might apply a positive thinking twist.

If Mr. Reeve were still alive and were here, I’m rather confident he’d remind us that you don’t have to be Superman to rid yourself of the gremlins in your head! It does, however, take daily practice and lots of regular reinforcement. And, of course, a good coach can always help. Whether you’ve decided to stay the course or create change during these challenging times, doing so with your most positive attitude is a key to success!

Suggested Action Items

1. When a negative thought comes into your head, make a note of it, and send it on its way. The more aware of what you’re saying you are the more control you’ll have over stopping the talk. Tell yourself that you no longer have any use for such thoughts in your life. Remember that they are only thoughts. They are not facts. Repeat: They are only thoughts.
2. Make a record of your negative self-talk. Once written down, I have options for you. (Of course, you can identify others that feel right for you.) Having reduced the thought to writing, one option is to immediately discard it. In other words, file the negative thought where it belongs. See # 3 for a second option.
3. Analze the negative self-talk for patterns. After writing a week’s worth of negative self-talk in a special diary or notebook, review it for patterns that might be helpful to you. For example, are you more negative about yourself or others? Would your friends agree with what you’ve said about yourself? Is there objectively, any factual basis for what you’ve said? This process will help you further let go of the negative thoughts and hasten the process of ending the negative self-talk.

This past summer, Cindy McCain received a lot of press when she was injured by an apparent fan who shook her hand a bit too vigorously. The result was a sprain, putting Ms. McCain in a cast and sling and subjecting her to the ridicule of the press for being fragile. At the time, I confess to not giving the incident much thought. But in the past few weeks, as I’ve done more and more networking for my new business, I’ve developed some new thinking on the matter.

For some time, women have been encouraged to have firm handshakes. No one likes a dead fish; they need not apply. We knew that if someone had a firm hand shake it meant they were confident, assertive, and could make it in the dog-eat-dog world of, well, anything. Over time, every woman in business mastered the art of the firm handshake. She’s been extending that hand into circles of people for years to make her strong first impression.

What I’ve noticed of late, however, is that there’s a new trend among women in the business world. It seems that bone crunching handshakes are on the rise. I’m talking about the kind of handshake that might make Arnold’s knees buckle. The kind of handshake that makes one worry that she might end up in a sling just like Cindy McCain.

I have reduced my problems with these handshakes down to three points: 1) They hurt; 2) The fact that someone can perform them doesn’t impress me in any way that is helpful to them; and 3) They take my mind off the person I’m meeting and what they’re saying. In all these respects, these handshakes don’t achieve the presumed goals of the person shaking my hand.

You have no time at all to make a first impression. If you want to spend that precious time inflicting pain on the person you’re greeting, that’s your choice; however, for those of you out there who have taken up this practice, allow me to suggest another approach for making a strong first impression. 

Sure, shake the other person’s hand firmly (practice moderating your strength if “firm” is at all unclear),  but do so while making intentional, eye-to-eye contact that you hold for a second longer than you might otherwise. For those few seconds, be fully in that moment with that person and no one else. What will make you stand out from the crowd is how you make and hold that connection in the eyes of the person you’re greeting, and the extra second you do. This is–hands down!–the most important element of making a first impression, not the extra pressure you apply to their hand. Give it a try!

“The eye is the jewel of the body.” - Henry David Thoreau